It’s all about timing

I drive my husband to work every morning and pick him up and bring him home every evening. The rest of the day is mine thank you very much!

I woke up late this morning and having no time to dress I decided since it’s a drop and go with the little Darling I drove him to work in my PJ’s. After all he was nice enough to warm up the car giving me time to pee and find my hat. My husband is familiar with the age spots on my face and since it’s a drop and go I simply hopped behind the wheel and off we went to his place of employment.

On the way back home to have MY Day I blew a tire. It wasn’t the tires fault they are all four six hundred and fifty dollars worth of NEW from the good ole Firestone Store. I accidentally ran over the rear bumper that fell off a RED NECK’s pick- up truck. The damn thing was tied on with baling wire which came loose causing said RED NECK’s rusted through bumper to land in my lane.

It took great skill mind you to avoid oncoming traffic. Composing myself hat now in hand I called for roadside service. Some alias of Triple Fucking A shows up. I pop my truck from inside where upon he sees all the boxes of my books that travel with me just in case a warm breathing body wants to buy one. Never leave home without your well-written novel is my motto.

He hooks me up and tows my tiny hinny to the very same Firestone Store from whence came those six hundred fifty dollar four new tires with less than three thousand miles use on them. Hat pulled way down in my PJ’s I give the Hottie behind the counter my warranty on said new tires. Now this is when I find out the warranty is for mileage coverage not for running over a rusted RED NECK’s bumper.

The Hottie at Firestone tells me in could be four hours or more. People are beginning to stare. I noticed coming in with the tow truck there was one of those 24-hour girly bars next door. Pulling my hat farther down in an effort to hide my face off I go, belly up to the bar in wait for the call on my cell phone my car is ready. I get the call all right. It needs a new tire, rim and the brake fluid or some shit like that needs flushing and there is a nick in my driver’s side windshield wiper. May as well replace them both he says.

Hours pass the bar tender has my credit card and the drinks keep coming, the crowd gets bigger but I’m the only one buying. I have a completely new set of friends and it’s all so confusing. Finally, my cell phone rings but I can’t remember how to get back to Hottie for my car. Bar tenders do a great service to humanity  helpping me find my Mr. Hottie next door at the good ole Firestone Store.

Hottie and the bartender lean into one another and talk but at this point I could care less whatever it is they are discussing. Hottie had already tapped my credit card into his computer so I’m thinking I’m good to go. Not so Hottie decides so with the help of his best mechanic they pour what to everyone must look to them like a homeless rag- a- muffin into the passage side of my own car and drive me home followed by Firestone’s best mechanic.

I’m not real clear on what happened next but two pots of black coffee and a cold shower later wearing mixed matched pants and shirt I cobble a salad together and throw two pot pies in the oven. Putting on my warmest coat and my hat a top a wet head of hair I feel sober enough to pick up dear ole hard working hubby.

Not wanting to look un- kept just in case there are more RED NECK’s on the road with tied on bumpers I quickly spray paint my face with one of those fast acting aerosols’ Bahamas’ Mamma tan to cover up the age spots on my face.

Once home and off with my coat the sweet thing I’m married too tells me something smells wonderful and what’s for dinner?

What happened next would make any wife proud. He gives me the once over and says “have a long day writing Dear, let me get you a glass of wine and I’ll serve dinner this evening”.

I’m not talking until the credit card bill comes in. Perhaps then I’ll tell him about the Monday from hell. We’ll laugh and I’ll have to sell a truck load of books to make it all go away.

And that friends was my Monday.

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